Learning About Love and Loss

In the past few years, there have been several things that fueled the balanced development of my son’s emotions.  We do our best to encourage disciplined thought, but not detachment from the joys and pain that come with living.  I suppose as parents we don’t really know how we’re doing until our kids have matured and we see how they deal with various situations in life.  In Paul’s case, there have been events that highlight to me how he’s developing a strong emotional balance, and a kind heart.  First a real-world event, then I’ll share his reaction to scenes from two movies.

Until we bought the two Corgis we currently own, every dog Steph and I have had in the years we’ve been married have been rescues.  Jazz was an odd mutt with a strong personality.  She was never mean to Paul, but she never really liked him.  We’re not completely sure why, because she was also legitimately protective of him if she felt someone or something was a threat.  Overall, she preferred for him to just leave her alone.  We rescued Jazz from a vet, where she was abandoned along with several other puppies from the same litter.  As Paul got older, it troubled him that Jazz didn’t really care for his company.  He did his best not to irritate her, and was fantastic at accepting it was best that he just pet her when she’d tolerate it.  She had no patience at all when he’d try to snuggle her.  As she got older, she got grumpier.  Late in life she contracted cancer and finally the time came that we needed to end her suffering.  We set the appointment with the vet, leaving time to allow Paul to say goodbye to her at home.  While we gave him the option to come along, it didn’t surprise us he preferred not to.  The time came for him to say goodbye, and our hearts were warmed that she let him sit down on the floor with her, give her very warm, big and gentle hugs—he all but held her in his arms—and then he spoke quietly and calmly to her.  His words broke our hearts.  Tears quietly ran down his cheeks and after several kisses and hugs, he whispered:  “Dream of me, and walk with me in your dreams.”  Steph and I were wrecked at his poise and maturity, and the love he continued to show a dog that didn’t really love him.  He sent her off well, and we couldn’t have been prouder of him.

In 2012 we took Paul to see the movie “Rise of the Guardians”.  We’re not sure, but we think he still believed in most of the magical “guardians” that surround childhood—Santa, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, etc.  This movie was about the spirit behind these stories, and put a cool perspective on what kids can learn from them, by gently reenforcing that what they represent continues on with those who believe.  Meanwhile, those who quit believing may very well also lose an appreciation for what the actual point was—caring, giving, etc.  At the time Paul saw the movie, he was having periodic nightmares.  As kids do, he would wake up afraid, then need to seek out Stephanie and I to quiet his nerves and remind him the nightmares aren’t real.  A big part of the storyline of the movie revolved around the rational and confident defeat of nightmares.  This spoke loudly to Paul and convinced him he needed to continue to believe in the positive aspects of these characters, and to purpose not to fear the bad dreams that come from uncertainty and an active imagination.

At the end of the move, we asked him what he thought.  Paul said, “Some tears were shed because now I know they (the Guardians) will always be in my heart.”  There were a few tears during the movie, and he was right on the edge of tears when he said that. The message of the movie had a real impact on him and I think it surprised him how empowered he felt to know he is in control.  It was all him. He told us a little later they were happy tears because he knew that as long as he believes, the Guardians will always be in his heart. 

Then just recently we let Paul watch the western Tombstone with us.  He quickly got into the characters, the point of the story, and the action (of course).  Late in the movie, Doc Holliday is at the end of his life.  Laying in the sanitarium in Colorado, he’s dying, and the scene comes when he orders Wyatt Earp to go away.  Wyatt respects his friend’s wishes and as Doc lays there alone, the camera angle lets you look from the end of the bed, past his feet to his face.  Doc quietly says “I’ll be damned; this is funny.”  What isn’t explicitly stated is that he’s lost feeling in his feet as a sign of his imminent death.  While it’s clear to any adult watching that he dies, they don’t really emphasize this.  Paul knew what happened, and was weeping for this antihero, as he appreciated the gravity of the scene.  He also grasped this was the end of the relationship of respect and deep friendship between these two men—the same as the loss of a family member as the story is told.

In the end, we’re so proud of the balance Paul is developing across all things in his life.  As all parents do, we constantly assess where he is with all facets of life, and balance between sheltering him and overexposing him to things.  We seek to find and stay on that line where we’re doing our best to develop him into a young man of reason, who isn’t afraid of his emotions, but isn’t driven by them alone.  These little instances, in this case related to love and loss, give us little hints we might be succeeding.

It’s great to be a dad!

Kids and Dogs

Dogs!  They’re just plain cool, and for most kiddos, they’re great companions and playmates.  They provide an opportunity for kids to take responsibility for something living in addition to their other chores.  We had dogs for most of my growing up years, and I’ve had one for most of my adult years.

When our son was born we had a pup in the house.  She had already been with us a few years, loved Paul as a baby, but as he got older and big enough to play with her, she got grumpier.  Almost entirely a jealousy issue.  She was never out of line and never caused him harm, but really didn’t want to participate in his fun and games.  In her later years as an elderly dog, she became plain old grumpy.  It saddened my son that he didn’t have a dog that wanted to play, and our promise to him was to get him a dog that would be his when the sad day came that our old dog moved on.

That day came and we were all heartbroken.  Even Paul was crushed by the passing of the pup even though she really didn’t like him.  The plan was to take some time off, let the wound of the loss heal, then find a pup that would be his.  Among just a few others, his preferences included a Corgi.  Our old dog was a rescue and a mutt, and part Corgi, so that probably fueled some of the desire.  Not to mention Corgis are a crazy cool breed with lots of energy, and a personality two or three times their physical size.

As things sometimes do, we became aware of a litter of Corgis right at the time we lost our old dog.  We were pleasantly surprised that this struck us as a comfort in spite of the recent loss, and we decided to take a look.  A quick visit later and we were hooked.  To make it better, the pup we ended up with was weened and available to come home right around our son’s birthday.  What a present!  And we joined the ranks of the Corgi owners.

As mentioned, I’ve been around dogs my whole life.  They’ve all pretty much been mutts, and most of them I’ve had as an adult were rescues.  Oh man, this Corgi is a different breed!  (Pun intended.)  This critter does things I never saw my other dogs do.  We’re in a social group with other Corgi owners locally, get the little rascal out for periodic gatherings at nearby dog parks where he can run with others of his kind (including many of his family!).  I’ve made these observations and asked these questions of that group too, but I think it’s probably therapeutic for me to put them here was well.  Any who knows, maybe some of you have Corgis and will sympathize and laugh along with me…or at me.

1. These are 30 pound dogs that think they’re 60 pounds.
2. They don’t know they have stubs instead of “regular” length legs.
3. They shed like massively shedding monsters.  I don’t know how a critter can shed more fur than they actually have on their body at any given time.  It may be a miracle.  Or something akin to a freak of nature.
4. These are mouthy dogs, in two ways.  First, they’re not a drooly breed, but they seem to have very wet mouths and noses.  They like to get your attention and “hold hands” with their soggy mouths.  When our pup plays with a toy, it gets soaked.  Second, they chew on things, a lot:  toys, baseboards, irrigation system emitters, cardboard boxes, just about anything in the bathroom trash can, etc.  Some stuff can’t taste good but it goes in the mouth anyway.  Even some of my son’s modeling putty.  Gads.
5. They are smart and stubborn.  Really smart, and really stubborn.
6. Related to #4, I can’t tell if sometimes they genuinely don’t get what you’re telling them or training them to do, or they totally get it and want to be sure you know they’ll listen when they feel like it.
7. Going along with the stubborn streak, if the dog wants to make a point, it seems peeing on the floor is an approved acceptable method in his mind.  We’ve had this knuckle-head for almost a year now and he’s definitely housebroken.  But if he gets mad or frustrated, he’ll pee on the floor to make his point.  He’s even done this within sight of the door to go outside.  At least once he’s done it right after he came in from the back yard.
8. Related and finally, it seems typical for this breed to pee when they’re nervous or excited.  I give up and accept peeing is a form of communication (beyond marking territory) for these little dudes.  Have your paper towels and cleaner readily available.  One time, there was this killer balloon—but that’s a story for another post.

All said though, these Corgis are very cool critters!  I never thought I’d like a breed of dog as much as this keeping in mind, most of the previous dogs were mutts and rescues.

Best of all, this little giant dog is definitely our son’s dog, and Paul is the dog’s boy.  They are two peas in a pod.  The pup pouts when Paul’s not around.  They play together and Paul’s bed is the one piece of furniture the dog is allowed on.  (We had to buy a little set of stairs so the pup could get up there though—so funny!)

So the boy is happy, the dog is happy, and therefore the parents are happy!

It’s great to be a dad!